


darkest shards

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [23]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Minor Character Death Referenced, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Regret, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-01 12:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17867468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: “I don't regret it,” Alec repeats and a tear falls from his eye, but he holds Magnus's gaze. “That you lost your magic.”~ ~ ~“If I hadn't helped Lilith with the elixir none of this would have happened. Everything that happened is my fault.” Magnus swallows, his eyes prickling. “I deserve this.”[Twoshot. Set shortly after 3x10.]





	1. regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol I realize my post 3x10 ficlets aren't suuuper compatible with each other. Oh dear. Just roll with it. For this one, let's pretend Cat patched Alec back up in three seconds and Alec and Magnus are left to their own devices at the loft.

The ringing of his phone cuts through the deceptively peaceful silence that fell over the balcony in the wake of Alec's departure for the kitchen.

It's Jace. Magnus has the fleeting thought that he should feel unsettled by this because Jace calling him is never a good omen, but he can't muster up any nerves. He can't imagine _what else_ could be happening to them after the night they had.

“What's the matter?” he answers, not bothering with a greeting.

Jace doesn't either. “Is Alec with you?” he demands, agitation palpable in his voice.

“Yes.”

“He's with you _right now?_ ” Jace sounds alarmed and angry and disbelieving all in one, sparking worry in Magnus's gut even though he knows Alec is okay, that he's healed and faring as well as can be hoped for under the circumstances. Alec was with him less than a minute ago and just stepped back inside to put away their tumblers.

“He's in the kitchen. Why?” Dread curls in his stomach. Jace wouldn't call for nothing. And if Alec didn't call him to call Magnus, he more than likely got something from their parabatai bond. This can't be good.

“Check on him,” Jace commands and hangs up.

Magnus gets up to do just that.

He doesn't mean to sneak but he does.

The door to the kitchen is open. Alec is leaning at the sink, his back to Magnus, head bowed and shoulders trembling. He's not making any sound. Magnus isn't sure if he's even breathing.

“Alec?”

Alec jerks violently, swiveling around and wiping his eyes indiscreetly. “Oh, Magnus, I'm almost done with the glasses.” He gives Magnus a grin that is so fake not even someone blind would be fooled by it.

“....Alec.”

Alec shakes his head, not meeting his eyes anymore. “I'm fine, it's nothing.”

“You're not fine,” Magnus says softly, taking a careful step closer.

“I'm okay, really.” Alec bites on his bottom lip to keep it from quivering, staring at the floor in concentration.

Magnus isn't sure why Alec is still trying to deny the obvious, but apparently a more disarming approach is in order. “Alexander. Jace called me because he could feel something was wrong. What is it?”

Alec swallows nervously, gaze darting around before he gives up all pretense of being alright and turns back around, bracing himself against the sink. “I can't tell you,” he chokes.

Magnus draws close until he can see Alec's profile, his eyes clenched shut, mouth pinched into a frown. He lays his hand on Alec's shoulder gently, taking it as a good sign that Alec doesn't flinch away from the touch.

“You can tell me everything.”

Alec is already shaking his head again. “I can't.” And then, a whisper, “You'd hate me.”

Magnus instinctively moves closer still, hugging Alec the best he can when Alec is hunched over, his chest pressing against Alec's side. “Nonsense. I could never hate you.”

Alec makes a sound, half objection, half sorrow.

Magnus caresses him soothingly wherever he can reach, calming him the best he can.

After a few minutes he evenly says, “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But don't keep it to yourself because you think you can't share it with me. I want to be there for you, Alexander.”

“You wouldn't if you knew,” Alec mumbles and Magnus squeezes him tighter. With anyone else he'd think they were being dramatic, but knowing Alec he's honestly convinced of this.

“I don't think so,” he says intently and squeezes him again.

Alec pulls free. “I think so. Magnus, I--” He takes a few deliberately slow breaths. “I think I should go. I can't be here. Every second I stay feels like I'm betraying you and I can't.”

Magnus frowns, uncomprehending, pushing down his unease at the thought of Alec leaving, and slowly reaches out to cup his cheek. When there's no resistance he turns Alec around to face him. The sight that greets him makes his heart clench. Alec's eyes are swimming in tears and desperation and he looks one moment from falling apart.

“Alexander,” he murmurs. Whatever brought that on, Magnus wants to fix it. He ignores the terrible shred of himself that is glad for the distraction from a very different problem, one he might not be able to fix, maybe not ever.

No. Alec deserves better than that. He won't see Alec's pain as a convenient diversion from his own fears.

“Whatever it is, you are not betraying me,” he promises, stroking Alec's cheek softly.

“I don't regret it,” Alec blurts.

Magnus blinks.

“I don't regret it,” Alec repeats and a tear falls from his eye, but he holds Magnus's gaze. “That you lost your magic.”

Magnus goes very still. He doesn't think he undestands what Alec is saying.

“Jace is still alive because of your sacrifice. I couldn't regret anything that lead to this.” Another tear falls. “Even knowing what I know now I don't think I could stop you from going through that portal. I'd still let you make that deal with Asmodeus.”

Alec sobs, and it's a dry, wretched sound. He's still staring Magnus dead in the eye.

“And I know you didn't do it for Jace or to defeat Lilith or for any other reason. You did it for _me_. And I still--” His breath catches in his throat. “It's like you cut out a part of your soul for me and I threw it away.”

Finally his eyes close, but still he continues, with a voice like gravel. “I understand if you don't want me around anymore. Say the word and I'll leave you.”

Magnus numbly remembers Alec in the alley behind the Hunter's Moon, with red-rimmed eyes, confessing that he can't live without him.

“Alec,” he says, and pulls him into a tight hug.

Alec remains motionless in his arms, stiff and cold. Magnus holds on, undeterred.

“It's okay. You're forgiven. I don't want you to leave.”

Alec sags against him. He starts shivering and Magnus feels more tears land on his skin. He rubs his hands over Alec's back, up and down and in circles, but it only serves to make Alec's shivering worse.

“Magnus,” he croaks.

“Hey. It's alright,” he breathes.

“How can you not hate me? I hate me,” Alec cries, his whole body shaking.

“Shhhh, no. Alec,” Magnus soothes, carding his fingers through Alec's hair. “I told you, I could never hate you.”

“But I-”

“You were scared for Jace. You're relieved that he's still alive. That doesn't make you a bad person.”

Alec sobs again, his arms coming around Magnus at last, gripping onto him like vices. “I felt him die once before and I don't think I could survive a second time.” Magnus feels Alec's chest expand and tighten with frantic breaths. “I'm so sorry, Magnus. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm--”

Magnus shushs him again, swaying him gently. He can feel Alec's heartbeat drumming against his ribs.

“I made the same choice, Alec. Between my magic and Jace's life I chose the latter.”

Alec takes a few more steadying breaths before moving back slightly, though his arms stay locked firmly around Magnus. Tear tracks stain his cheeks and he's still panting, but his agony is slowly being replaced by determination. “I promise you, I _swear_ to you we'll get it back. I will do anything, Magnus.” His gaze flickers between Magnus's eyes as if seeking assurance that Magnus believes his words. “I'll get it back if it's the last thing I do.”

Magnus smiles a sad little smile. He raises his hand to cup Alec's cheek again, brushing over the wetness there. “Not at the cost of your life. Promise me.”

Alec takes his hand and moves it to his lips, pressing kisses against his fingers.

He doesn't promise anything.

“I'm sorry for being so selfish and making this about me,” he says.

“Alec...”

“I should be strong for you. But I'm a mess.” He places more apologetic kisses on Magnus's palm.

“Alexander.” Magnus retracts his hand so Alec will look at him. “You almost got killed tonight. I think you deserve a little break down. You are allowed to feel things, even if you're not the only one who's miserable. You're alright.”

Alec lets out a deep sigh. “What about you?”

Magnus swallows. “I... I don't know. I...” It's his turn to look away. Since it happened he's been trying his hardest not to think about it, to focus on anything else. It was easy to forget when Alec's blood coated his fingers. Easy to push aside. To deny.

He knows he can't hide from it forever.

But a little longer still.

“I don't know.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd be super grateful if you let me know what you thought of this so far. I'm still mostly on the fence about it because it turned out wayy differently than I had imagined it so uuuuh if you had something nice to say that would be extremely helpful? :0


	2. guilt

“I feel like I deserve it.”

Magnus has no idea what possesses him to say it. Hours have passed since Alec bared his heart to him. They went to bed a while ago, lying in the dark, waiting for sleep that evades them. Magnus felt drained and hollow inside, but everytime he closed his eyes his heartrate kicked up, the blackness trying to swallow him whole. He knew Alec was still awake beside him, could hear it in his too shallow breath and the silent tension he radiates. It made Magnus's skin crawl, his throat close up.

For all that happened to them it felt like the day wasn't finished with them yet. Chasing half shadows on their bedroom walls with his eyes Magnus kept waiting for the third shoe to drop.

Maybe that's why he confessed this dark thought that's been festering deep inside his mind. It felt like something had to give.

It might as well be him.

“What?” The bedsheets rustle as Alec turns to him, even though he can't be seeing more than the outline of Magnus's profile.

“If I hadn't helped Lilith with the elixir none of this would have happened. Everything that happened is my fault.”

Alec's hand settles on his shoulder. “No, Magnus. You can't think like that. Jace was already possessed. Lilith would have found a way to tighten her hold on him without you.”

Magnus shakes his head. Alec said the same thing earlier, after Clary told them the whole truth about the night at Lake Lyn. He'd wanted to object then but didn't. He does now.

“Don't you understand? It doesn't matter if she could have done it without me. _I helped her_. If I hadn't, things might've played out differently. Maybe she would have taken longer to complete the sacrifices. Maybe another warlock would have made the elixir less potent so I could have reversed it. Maybe Jace could have broken the enchantment himself.”

_ Maybe Clary would still be alive. Maybe, maybe, maybe. _

“Magnus,” Alec whispers helplessly.

“I _had_ to do everything in my power to save him. I had to make this right.” He swallows, his eyes prickling. “I deserve this.”

Alec's hand moves to cup his cheek. “Nonsense,” he protests vehemently. “You're the last person that deserves anything like this. Lilith manipulated you.”

Magnus gives a bitter laugh. “Yes, and I let myself be manipulated because I'm weak.”

“Magnus, you're not--”

“I didn't trust her,” Magnus cuts him off because Alec still doesn't get it. “I _knew_ something was off about her.”

“She cloaked her true powers. There was no way you could have known she was--”

“I broke my moral code in helping her,” Magnus interrupts again. “The potion I brewed for her is designed to work without the recipient's consent. I knew she would administer it without his knowledge. Normally I'd never help someone with something like that, but I did.”

Alec is silent for a moment. Magnus can almost hear his mind working. But his hand remains on Magnus's cheek, steadfast and warm.

“Then why did you?” he finally asks.

Magnus feels his chest tighten. “Because she... she said she was a friend of Ragnor's.” His voice breaks over the name but he forces himself to continue. “I couldn't refuse her.”

He exhales a shaky breath and the next one leaves his mouth with a sob.

Alec whispers his name again and pulls him into his arms, tucking him under his chin.

“I miss him so much,” Magnus gasps. Tears fall from his eyes and on Alec's neck. “If he could see me now he would be so disappointed.”

“That's not true, Magnus.” Alec's tone leaves no room for doubt. “You know he wouldn't. He'd share your pain and he'd do anything he can to support you.”

Magnus cries harder because Alec is right.

Alec's fingers card through his hair soothingly, evenly, and Magnus's breaths calm slowly. His hair must feel hard and spiky to Alec, he thinks distantly. It's still full of product. Magnus didn't have the nerve to deal with it the mundane way.

It's the only way for him now.

Magnus can't begin to think of all the things he could do that are beyond his reach now. Without his magic everything that gave him purpose, meaning, worth seems unattainable. He can never cast spells again. Brew potions, break curses. Protect loved ones.

At least he managed to save Jace.

“I guess I should be grateful to my father,” he says hollowly. “Without him I wouldn't have been able to rectify my mistake.”

“Your father,” Alec interjects, cutting, “punished you because you wouldn't do his bidding. If he loved you, he would have helped you without demanding anything in return.”

Magnus blinks. It didn't even occur to him to see it that way. He had used Asmodeus's love for him as a bargaining chip and it had worked. He didn't realize that despite that, this love could still be untrue.

“Loving someone means always wanting the best for them,” Alec continues, unaware of Magnus's inner turmoil. “I want you to forgive yourself, but I know things like that take time. I promise you, I'll be with you every step of the way. We all will. Okay?” His fingers pause, expecting an answer.

Magnus gives a faint nod.

“You taught me that making mistakes is human.” Alec huffs out a breath resembling a laugh. “And we're both half human, so we're allowed to make mistakes. That doesn't mean we always have to suffer for them.”

“But...” _But I caused this. I'm the reason all of this happened. Without me, it would have--_

“No buts, Magnus. You don't deserve to suffer. You did everything you could to make it right. That's it. That's enough.”

“What if it's not?” Magnus asks, sounding small.

“It is enough, Magnus. Trust me. It's more than enough.”

Magnus closes his eyes. He doesn't believe Alec's words and he won't for a long time. Maybe never.

As if sensing his thoughts Alec's thumb rubs over Magnus's temple. “Stop thinking about it. We need rest, to face tomorrow.”

Magnus nods, but his mind has other plans.

“I'm scared.”

He didn't mean to say it. The admisstion just slipped out between the tattered splinters of his heart.

“I'll be right by your side,” Alec vows.

“I'm scared you won't be.”

“Magnus, I swear I won't leave you alone with this.”

He doesn't doubt Alec's sincerity, but Magnus knows himself. He doesn't want to think about this, doesn't want to talk about this but he knows he should. What's facing one more abyss of his soul tonight?

“I don't... I don't do well, feeling helpless. I'll push you away. I'll pretend I'm fine. I..” The words burn like acid on his tongue. “I'll lash out. I might blame you for everything. I might really hurt you.”

_ Please don't leave me, even if I tell you to. _

Alec holds him tighter. “Alright. Thank you for telling me.”

“I'm sorry,” Magnus mumbles.

Alec presses in even closer. “Don't be. We all have our faults. And I accept yours, just like you accept mine. I love you.”

Magnus steels himself against another wave of emotion. There's been enough tears for today.

“I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *takes cover*


End file.
